Get Rid of the old computer in the closet

Let me see a show of hands. How many people have at least one old computer on a shelf in the garage, in a closet, or stashed in the attic? Let me ask you a question. Do you really believe that Windows 3.1 is going to return? Is it possible people will tire of CD-Roms, DVDs or USB pocket drives and will come begging for your old five and a half inch floppies? I know that some of you, and you know who you are, actually have an old Windows 95 machine set up for the grandkids. Shame on you! Why don’t you just give the grandkids a stick and an old iron hoop to push around the living room? Who among you still likes to surf the web on that blazing fast 14400 modem?

January 26, 2005 Teaching my sister-in-law to use a gerbil

I know, I know, how could anything about a computer be funny? Actually there is nothing funny about a computer. However, sometimes as a computer tech, there arrives a moment with a computer user that simply screams out for something truly silly. This is my story, and I am sticking to it.

February 2, 2005 Want to be a global potentate for a day?

Have you ever noticed that when people are introduced to other people, the intro goes something like this? This is John Doe, he is a pedicurist, or meet Jane Doe, she is the head of marketing for the Women’s Fashion Department at Wal-Mart, or this is Sam Doe, he is retired but is consulting for the golfers at Riverside. Now what did that all mean. John paints toenails, Jane sells women’s lingerie and Sam is a caddy at the golf course. How people see us is defined by what we do. And if what we do isn’t sexy enough, we change the description to give it a bit more pizzazz.

February 9, 2005 Battling an insidious enemy

The battle raged for hours. Hi tech weapons against an insidious enemy. The forces of darkness were many and varied. Some were surprisingly simple and quickly vanquished. Others fought back. When the big guns were brought in, they seemed to already know the weak points and spiked the fuses and prevented their charges from firing. Still others offered up chimeras that were vaporized while the core forces of evil slithered deep into the unseen depths of the battlefield. Still the battle rages on. Many were Hydras that fought ferociously and then, when defeated, simply grew another copy and rejoined the battle. Precious treasure was being held captive so nuking the battlefield was out of the question. Time ticked on. One by one, the enemy was eliminated. Over and over again the soldiers of light swept the battlefield

February 16, 2005 Take the time to learn what time it is

Tick tock. Tick tock. “Time Has Come Today” sang the Chambers Brothers in 1968. Chicago harmonized with “Does Anybody Know What Time It Is?” Then followed their question with “Does Anybody Care?” Van Halen’s musical entreaty was “Don’t Waste My Time.” In 1974 Jim Croce sang about saving Time In A Bottle. Time, is something that we either have too much of or don’t have enough of. How many times have you said, “I just plain ran out of time?” Or “I didn’t realize what time it was.” Or my favorite, “Time just got away from me.”

February 23, 2005 Try Spybot - and call me in the morning

I have a friend of mine that many, many years ago, operated a bicycle store in a small town in the Midwest. One evening as we were discussing the previous ventures we had tried, he proceeded to tell me that one of the reasons he was successful in the bicycle business was that he gave away a spoke wrench with every bicycle purchased. This spoke wrench cost him about a dollar fifty. Which, considering the time that has passed since then, was a pretty good premium. So I asked him, what was it about the free spoke wrench that made him successful?

March 2, 2005 Beeeep --- Beeeeep --- Let's back up a minute

Beeeeep…..Beeeeep…….Beeeeep. I was sitting in my bathrobe this morning, drinking a cup of coffee and reading the local rag. I mean the Charlotte Sun. When this awful noise crashed into my morning routine. Beeeeeep……Beeeeeep……Beeeeep. There it was again. I jumped up; or more accurately, got up. That early in the morning not everything wants to function quite as sprightly as it once did. I walked out the front door to see what was going on. Coming down our street in reverse was a large moving truck.

March 9, 2005 Tell them you want a Wallflower next time they ask

Perfunctory. That is a neat sounding word. Say it with me, per-func-tory. That’s the word that defines the question, Dad or Mom, or Opa and Oma (grandpa and grandma) what do you want for Christmas. (Or birthday or fathers day or mothers day etc.) And of course we give the obligatory answer, “You don’t have to get us anything, really.” But the fact of the matter is, most of us are interested in our young en’s lives. We raised the little linoleum lizards from the time they were born until we finally threw them out of the house at twenty four, so I think we are entitled to a little bit of information about how our years of suffering, scratch that, joy turned out. But the grownup ankle biters just don’t have time to come and visit, bring the grandkids or just call and tell us what is happening in their lives.

March 16, 2005 Our kroniekschrijver untangles Tower of Babel

The Tower of Babel. Everyone knows the story. It is the metaphorical explanation of why there are so many languages in the world. The tale also states that if man were of one language, nothing he tried to do would be impossible. Maybe the construction around the area would go faster and smoother if it were not for the cacophony of different languages being used. Can you read and interpret the following line? El Internet es un lugar asombroso. No? How about this one? Internet ist ein erstaunlicher Platz. No? Neither can I. Unfortunately, there may be morsels of wisdom buried in those words and we would never know. Maybe the old family Bible, with the mysterious writing in it and handed down for generations contains the directions to your family’s fortune. A kings ransom smuggled out of some country and hidden in another part of the world just before an invasion of your ancestral home. Or perhaps the letters written to your grandfather from the girl in Italy during World War Two would be interesting and poignant if they could be deciphered.

March 23, 2005 How to comtemplate your place in the cosmos

How much did you pay for that computer sitting in the corner? Come on, fess up. Then you added a printer, and maybe a scanner. Had to have that CD-ROM burner because then you could ….well, burn CD-ROMs. The sales geek at the computer store said there would be no joy unless the PC was upgraded to one gig of RAM. Nodding furiously as if you understand completely and another couple hundred bucks jumps onto the sales total. And certainly that little fourteen-inch monitor wouldn’t do (can’t even see your big screen TV from the sofa) so another couple hundred dollars is forked over for that seventeen-inch LCD flat screen. Then, after the credit card has melted down from the strain, you arrive home and open the boxes.

March 30, 2005 Read the whole thing before you get upset

The Computer Industry Almanac projects there will be 1.07 billion Internet users in 2005. They project the number to grow to 1.21 billion in 2006 and 1.35 billion in 2007. The one common element shared by all these users is called bandwidth. Think of the oil industry and how they move oil via pipelines. The number of pipelines available and the size of the pipe determine the amount of oil that can be moved. The Internet is similar. How many users there can be is limited by the amount of bandwidth available. The number and type of distribution channels such as, phone, copper and fiber optic determine bandwidth. With the explosive growth of the Internet for commerce, information transfer and scientific research, the available bandwidth is rapidly falling behind demand. I have my Internet homepage set up to collect news articles about topics that intrigue me. Here are some that came across, that by themselves are probably innocuous, but if viewed looking for commonality….well, you decide.

April 6, 2005 Think twice before hitting the forward button

Evangelists in the mid eighteen hundreds preached there were giants in the earth. Playing on the gullibility of the general public and certain so called experts, a large piece of gypsum was carved into the likeness of a giant man, buried, “discovered” by well diggers and authenticated as a petrified humanoid giant. This stone giant, called the Cardiff Giant, was then displayed to the public at a dollar a head. Thousands flocked to see this marvel. A two-thirds interest in the giant was sold for thirty thousand dollars. This scam was so successful that a few months later, a second group “discovered” another giant stone fossil of a man. “There’s a sucker born every minute,” said con artist David Hannum in 1870.

April 13, 2005 Moving for fun and profit -- here's a tip

Moving for fun and profit. If you could move from here to there, where would you move? Would you move to a city with a higher or lower cost of living? If you could get a big raise and move to a place with a lower cost of living would that mean that the raise was even bigger in real dollars? Or perhaps the boss wants you to move to the corporate headquarters and he’s willing to give you a ten percent raise. Sounds good doesn’t it? But what if the cost of living at corporate is twenty percent more than where you currently live? Not quite as good a deal as you originally thought.

April 20, 2005 How many can you make?

For just a moment, close your eyes and try to remember everything in the house that you think is there. Go room by room and try to conjure up in your mind exactly what is there. (Yes, I know it is hard to read the column with your eyes closed.) Now, open your eyes and look around. Were you as amazed as I was at all the things about that you could not think of? I noticed that junk, pictures, knick-knacks, and stuff just seems to appear. Where last week there was an empty corner, now there are two flea market metal sculptures. (I use the term sculptures, because that term is acceptable by this newspaper and the term that really describes them is not.) Where does it all come from? Or better yet, what to do with it?

April 27, 2005 Googling doesn't work on sunglasses

As most of us do from time to time, I misplaced my sunglasses the other day. I could not remember the last time I wore them, nor where I might have laid them down. Looking out the front door, I could see by the intensity of the sunlight that I was definitely going to need them. (Yes, I have a spare but I couldn’t find them either.) First place to check was the car. Why I did that I don’t know because it is a scientifically proven fact that what ever you are looking for will be in the last place you look, not the first. (This is a universal law, not a theory.) If only we could figure out what the last place was, it would save hours of fruitless searching. As you already know, no sunglasses in the car.

May 4, 2005 Here's how to avoid saying "I should have...."

Let us discuss nightmares. I am not talking about the kind of nightmare that occurs in your sleep. I am talking about the kind, which after it occurs the thought runs through your head, I should have (fill in the blank). For example, several years ago I had a flat tire. I knew the tire was worn, and I knew it should be replaced, and even better, I had actually started pricing tires. I just hadn’t replaced it yet. So there I was, forced to buy a tire immediately, a tow charge and great inconvenience. I should have …

May 11, 2005 Who needs an exorcist?

This week I will pick a question from a dedicated reader, try to explain it and provide a resolution to the problem.

Loyal reader Shirley writes: When I open my computer, Word has taken it into its head, so to speak, to open and show a long-deleted document.  I've gone to settings but haven't been successful in finding how to stop this aberration.

May 18, 2005 How many gigs does a grandpa/grandma really need?

How much pressure can a person take before they crack? It depends on the type of pressure and the delivery method. For example, one of the most horrific forms of pressure I have had the misfortune to observe is the overwhelming, ego crushing pressure exerted by a little granddaughter. “Grandpa\Grandma, why don’t you have a computer? There’s nothing to do here, and I can’t AIM my friends. You know Grandma, if you had a computer I could write to you all the time!” And then the coup de grace, “Grandma, I love you!”

May 25, 2005 The box is in the house --- what do you do now?

Several readers let me know that they actually read my column and promptly ran out and purchased a new computer. (That will teach them to read my column.) But, they did it anyway and so the question is, what to do next? Once the computer reaches the house, there are two possible courses to pursue. One is an easy way; the other is time consuming at the best. The task is to get the computer set up, running, and of course connected to the Internet. Without the Internet, the computer is just a very expensive solitaire game. Let’s examine the two methods one at a time. First the easy way.

June 1, 2005 Here's a computer lesson that will suck you in

Tools. Everyone has some. A hammer is a tool for building things. A spatula is a tool for cooking. A light switch is a tool for controlling illumination. Even the remote control is a tool for preventing over exertion. Whatever type of tool it is, it is designed to help you do more with less energy and get the job done faster. Some tools are multi talented. The hammer can also serve as a pry bar. The spatula was used as a corrective action tool by my parents. And of course the remote control is a conversation starter between my wife and I. (Click that remote ONE more time…..)

June 8, 2005 Improve yourself with just a little effort

Walk into any bookstore today and there will be row after row of self-improvement books. Improve your self-esteem, improve your vocabulary, improve your spelling etc, etc, etc. Just plop down a measly $29.95 and tomorrow will find a better you. If you are in need of serious improvement this can get to be pretty expensive. (Martha, where’s the credit card?) But like any project, large or small, it must be tackled in small pieces. Let’s take a look at some little pieces that your computer can help you with.

June 15, 2005 Your computer can make you a star

In the beginning music was made from an old log covered in animal hide for a drum beat and a piece of cat gut stretched between the ends of a bowed tree branch and plucked for a melodic instrument. This was great for appeasing the Gods around a fire after a good meal of Tyrannosaurus Rex but it just doesn’t cut it in today’s world.

June 22, 2005 Make the past what you remember it to be

A picture is worth a thousand words. There are times when words are inadequate and a picture captures everything that needs to be said. Show a picture at a family gathering of Aunt Martha with a lampshade on her head, and everyone understands what you are trying to say.

June 29, 2005 Weather the season at these interesting sites

One of the most difficult things to start, besides a lawnmower, is a conversation. How many times have you been with a group of people, all standing around, looking like lost sheep and said to yourself, if only I had something to say? In the back of our mind however are the words of our mothers, “never talk about religion, politics or old courthouses.” We loathe the possibility of offending someone. We need a topic that is of interest to everyone, offensive to none, and carries with it all the joys, triumphs and tragedies of the human condition.

July 6, 2005 I feel the need for speed

I feel the need for speed. I recently spent a weekend at Old Town, in Kissimmee FL. Old Town is exactly that, an old section of the town that has been changed to a tourist area, complete with restaurants, bands, and most interesting to me, on Saturday night the town streets are only open to classic cars. But, Old Town also has some amusement rides one of which is two Mustangs on a track. You can drag race your friends to see who has the quicker reaction time off the starting line. The excitement comes though when they hand you your time ticket for the run. In my case, it was elapsed time, two seconds, speed clocked at 109 mph. Zero to 109 mph in two seconds. Unbelievable.

July 13, 2005 Unraveling the mystery of a dark, silent laptop

Did you hear it? That terrible cry of anguish echoing from the very depths of a tortured soul. My red emergency bat-phone blinked on and off. A client was calling in panic. Her computer didn’t do anything she said. I calmly asked her to explain exactly what the problem was. She said, “when I push the power button nothing happens.” I immediately jumped into my superhero costume and raced to her office. There it sat, a beautiful laptop with all the bells and whistles. The screen was dark, no error messages, nothing. The desire to punch the power button was strong but I knew that first I had to make sure the system was in a clean state.

July 20, 2005 Never fear, superhero races to the rescue

Last week in Bits and Bytes: For those that didn’t read it, (shame on you) I’ll bring you up to speed.
Client: “when I push the power button nothing happens.”
Bits and Bytes: “Wow, this is not a good thing!”
Laptop: (silence)
Client: “My life is on that computer, I can’t lose everything on it.”
Bits and Bytes: “Not to worry, we will restore all the data from your backups.” Laptop: (silence)
Client: (silence) Bits and Bytes: “Not to worry, I said, we will restore all the data from your backups.”
Client: “I don’t have a backup.”

July 27, 2008 Ring, Ring -- is that my computer telephoning me?

Ring…Ring. You gotta love it. 1984 here we are. Newspeak. It has arrived with a vengeance in 2005. Read this news release and then try to figure out what it said. “ Bellsouth, Verizon and Sprint say the increase in local phone rates will allow competition, therefore lowering the expensive rates…” The only part of this statement that I can decipher is, I am going to pay more.

August 3, 2005 Test Bits & Bytes theory of exponentialism -- if you dare

Numbers. Everything we do boils down to numbers. How much we make, how many of something we need or want, statistics, records, quantities etc. We wake up in the morning and check the time. We calculate how many cups of coffee we can have and whether or not we have time to read that great computer column, Bits and Bytes.